Jokes From My Email
There?s a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, ?Jesus, I am really lucky to be alive!?
Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ?I can?t believe I survived this wreck!? The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, ?You know, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.?
The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, ?You know, you?re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I?m gonna see what else survived the wreck.?
So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full-unopened bottle of Whiskey. He says to the English fella, I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship.?
The Englishman says, ?You?re damn right!? and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whiskey.
After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, ?Your turn!?
The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says,?Nahh, I think I?ll wait for the police to show up.?
Subject: Please support the candidate of your choice ....
Very important.....be sure to read every word carefully.
There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied,
'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, 'No.'
I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
'Danny, did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female
news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced 'Please buckle up, grab your drinks
and hold your nuts, we're taking off!'.
No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers.
Subject: Atlanta Air Traffic Control
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite! ......................
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us